Online Insights on fiveAA, Sunday, April 22, 2007

April 22, 2007

Party excuse generator
This was a site I didn’t get to use over the xmas holidays – but with a little twist, you can use it all year round. The Holiday Party Excuse Generator is an invaluable tool that can save you from having to attend undesirable or inconvenient events.  Simply answer a few questions, and let the awesome “Generator” do all the talking.
Sarah (very Martha stewart, warm and fuzzy, perkiness, flirting with a fib)
I deeply regret that I will be unable to attend your picture-perfect holiday bash. I will be learning to play Maj Jong and thus able to be with you in spirit only. Once the holidays are past, I hope to spend some quality time with you. Please give my felicitation to your party guests and tell them I will lift a glass of holiday cheer in their honour. My best wishes for a jubiliant and gift-laden holiday. Ta ta, Steve
Dave (swanky party, utter disdain,avoid with every fibre of my body,  snippiness, who care)
I am beyond delighted that I will be unable to attend your annual tribute to the holiday season where the minutes seem like hours, and the hours refuse to end. I will be climbing Mt Kilimanjaro and thus unavailable for you to bore with your insipid palaver. Once the holidays are past, I hope to wave at you in passing. Please give my condolences to your party guests, and tell them I have some pain killers they can borrow. My best wishes for a dysfunctional and expensive holiday. Enough said, Steve 

The gallery of unfortunate birthday cards
This is a comedy site where there is some weird material – but in keeping with the party theme, I thought I would highlight the gallery of birthday cards with a difference. These are all real cards – most are dreadful. Some highlights:
One that looks from the 1800s with a drawing of a little girl and a stern aunt – the card reads, “Here’s your birthday whipping, A spank for every year, One besides to grow on, That’s for luck my dear.
Another one, created by planters nuts, has their cartoon peanut character on top of a pile of peanuts, the caption says “picked this for a special boy”. Just imagine the jokes!
My favourite is a two-colour superman comic on the card. Four panels. Firstly the boy says ‘hurry superman’, then superman says ‘where are we going’, as they land the boy says ‘to wish someone’, then on the file frame, the two stand before a birthday cake with the words ‘happy birthday’. But superman looks really really unhappy that he was made to fly around the world to do this. Not intentional, but very funny. 

The beers of Asia
If you are fascinated by beer, or Asian culture, or both, you will want to bookmark this cool site.  Beer Asia is a fun blog that features reviews and info on pretty much every beer produced throughout Asia.
Discover the wide variety of beers from The Orient, find out about popular “wannabe” brews to avoid, and learn about the most popular beers in smaller countries such as Malaysia, Cambodia, Burma, and Laos.  Visitors who read the section on “The Top 10 Beers in Asia” will be tempted to get on a plane, fly halfway around the world, and have a cold one.  Cheers!
Worst beers
Cheers Beer (Thailand) – Horrid, retched beer that has a crap name. This is a good example of what happens when you let marketing departments direct product development. It tastes like soap, piss and chemicals.
Shanshui (China) – This is the foulest Chinese beer I have ever tasted. This is a complete chem-brew. Someone, somewhere is going to suffer from real bad karma over this beer.
Klang Beer (Cambodia) – Not very nice at all. I do like the can though but the beer is not even slightly drinkable.
Jade Beer (Cambodia) – While I praise Cambodia for it’s pretty good range of domestic and imported beers they are also home to a few really bad beers. Jade Beer, the Heineken wannabe, is one of these. It tastes shite.
Best beers
Beer Myanmar – A beautiful and slightly dark bodied beer this brew from Myanmar/Burma is one of the best things the country has to offer. Unfortunately sanctions make this beer nearly impossible to obtain outside of the country’s borders. Genocide and Juntas aside I really would like to get my hands on more of this beer.
Beer Lao – This easy to drink beer is made with strict quality control and the best of ingredients. The beer is popular not because of advertising campaigns but by positive word of mouth. It is now available in countries all around the world including Thailand, Cambodia, Australia, USA and the UK. I recommend that you buy a case but do not be hasty in drinking it without chilling it properly first as the beer tastes best when it is icy cold. I leave it in the back of the fridge for at least a day before drinking it.
Carlsberg (Malaysia) – I truly believe that the Carlsberg brewed in Malaysia is superior to the European version. I always relish going to Malaysia just because I know I can drink as much draft Carlsberg as possible. It just tastes so crisp. Thailand really lost a great beer when Chang fell out with Carlsberg and pushed them out of the market through legal action but thankfully it is still available in Malaysia and from what I understand they are starting to increase their activities all over Asia once again.
Kingway (Shenzen, China) – A recent semi-regular addition to my fridge this beer is a pleasant surprise. It is good to know that some breweries understand that quality will be rewarded by drinkers’ loyalty and dollars.
1) One beer, one water.
2) Beer with ice. This is my favourite way to rehydrate and keep my beer cool at the same time.
3) Stay off the spirits. Spirits in Asia are dangerous. If you order a spirit in Asia make sure to order it by brand otherwise you get the cheap, nasty stuff. Even if you do order by the brand in some countries like Cambodia and Vietnam there is no telling whether the bottle is genuine or counterfeit.
4) Choose your beer wisely. If you are an established Asian beer drinker like me then you already know which brews are good and which are god-damned terrible. Chang is my alcoholic nemesis while Anchor is my Cheap Charlie’s beer of choice. If I had it my way then I would drink Draft Guinness and John Smiths but they are expensive and really don’t store well in the tropics.
5) Go to bed with water and an aspirin. My mate swears by this but it is no good for me because if I am already hopelessly drunk then a litre of water and a painkiller will most likely make me vomit.
6) Eat something before you pass out. Often harder than it seems if you are in a less developed country. For some reason a lot of Asians like to go to bed really early and then rise with the sun. Because of this it can be hard to find anything decent to eat at 3am. Emergency stashes of food should be kept in your hotel room or apartment at all times. Eating really only works for me before I pass out.
7) The hair that bit the dog. This is not my ideal way of beating a hangover but on occasion it has helped to provide some relief. A glass of beer mid-afternoon has helped delay earth-shattering hangovers before but I have found that it just buys you a bit of time rather than taking care of the problem.
8) English Breakfast in the morning. I think people that eat English breakfasts to cure their hangovers are insane. It just does not work for me. If I did I would vomit. People that can do this are mentals.
9) Coffee. The breakfast of champions. Nothing gets me moving more than a cup of hot, sugary, black coffee in the morning. Sugar and caffeine really do work miracles for me and have helped to bring me back into the world of the living on many an occasion. 


Missy Confidential
You cant buy from this site, but it features a comprehensive list of designer sales in Australia. You can even sign up for news alerts, so you never miss a designer sale again. There’s stuff for guys too – but mainly for women.
Includes the Golden Rules for Shopping Overseas. We can pick up winter clothes on special up north. Big dept stores might not ship OS, but smaller ones will.


Tony vs Paul
This is the best stop-motion film clip I have every seen.
Simple story – two competitive male friends. This is them competing with each other – commanding elements in the universe, gliding on one foot, flying through the air, passing through walls, floating. Pure magic!!!!