Online Insights on fiveAA, Sunday, July 20, 2008

July 20, 2008

Adelaide Green Porridge Forum
I have found an amusing blog written by a fellow Adelaidean, Colin Campbell. Colin describes himself as a “Transplanted Scot, with an Australian partner, a seven year old would be Computer Game Junky/Cricketer/Yugioh Duellist/Pirate.., nine year old all Singing and Dancing/Mobile Phone Video Artist.., Spotty the annoying but friendly dog, Ben and Daisy, the rabbits, 7 budgies , the memory of Mr Quail, 2 goldfish and a few worms (they suspend life in the hot weather). I spend most of my time tending to the needs of my employer and my flock, ferrying, cooking, child taming, washing the dishes, cleaning, dusting…you get the picture. We just bought a house, so I am gainfully employed with my wife’s long list of projects *sigh*.”

His blog is a delightful collection of thoughts and humorous observations on life. I particularly like his post on July 17, 2008, about speed cameras. The state government is about to spend 3.5 million on new speed and traffic light cameras but Colin gives this a eerie twist with an image of a speed camera fitted with a machine gun. His story says there is likely to be a spike in the road toll at first, but then the cameras will start saving lives!

I also like his entry from earlier that week about the Sheffield Shield name returning to state cricket. Here’s his intro, “The Intra State Australian Cricket Competition and major loss leader for Cricket Australia in their quest for world dominance in the land of the Silly Mid Off, Point and Square Leg has had a face lift and is set for new life as the Sheffield Shield again. Many Australian traditionalists have been unhappy with the retirement of the shield and its replacement by Pura, a milk brand.”

Make an amusing appointment with his blog at

Charge Your Glasses
This site begins with a reassuring introduction – “Worried about your wedding speech? Charge Your Glasses is here to give you content and confidence. Whether you are the father of the bride, groom or best man, we provide everything you need for a brilliant, smooth-flowing speech. And yes, it is all free. The catch? There isn’t one.”

The site helps you work through the speech creation process methodically, breaking speeches down to the following components:

  1. Opening
  2. Introducing yourself
  3. Relief
  4. Physical
  5. His early years
  6. School Days
  7. College / University
  8. Job
  9. Hobbies
  10. Drink
  11. His home
  12. Girls
  13. Meeting his wife
  14. The happy couple
  15. How she’s changed him
  16. His wife
  17. Our friendship
  18. Summing him up
  19. Toast

To get going, you just click on a section of the speech at a time and then on a relevant angle, By choosing the topic of “girls” and then “his first time”, I got this delightfully saucy piece:

I bumped into a familiar looking girl in the pub last week.

After I’d stared at her for a few minutes she came over and introduced herself …

… as the woman who had taken away Lawrence’s innocence many years ago.

I was shocked.

Because she made the story last for an hour and a half.

Which, from my understanding …

… was approximately an eighty nine minutes longer than the original incident!

But working backwards, there is a brilliant opening ploy called “I’m going to shock you”.

Never before, in the history of weddings, has a best man been under more pressure.

People kept whispering about what I should and shouldn’t say.

And then I heard that Anna had approached my wife to find out what was my speech contained.

So I’m sure you’d all like to know that this

(pause and hold two pieces of paper in the air)

is the official, authorised, family-friendly version of my speech.

(Pause. Rip it up in front of them.)

Well, for those of you who remember Blue Peter … here’s one I prepared earlier!

(Produce another speech from pocket)

This is an excellent site and great for excellent ideas. You will have to register to use it, but it is all free, and can be found at

The Mother Of All Excuses Place
If you have ever wanted to find a tactful way to get out of a commitment, this site is for you. The guys behind this site have collected excuses from the workplace and take submissions to be added to the website.

The excuses are grouped into themes, such as, missing school and homework, police or accident, kids, getting out of family events and holiday functions, breaking dates, doctors and doctors note, missing church, wedding, diet, why I ate that, debt, tax, not paying the rent, getting out of home repairs, unwanted house guest, jury duty, not voting, no sex, and miscellaneous.

Some of my favourites include:

Church Excuses

  • Well…I could not come to the church last Sunday… because there was a sermon in the radio.
  • (Real Mysterious Sounding) “I just had this feeling I shouldn’t be there.”

Work excuses

  • My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
  • A graphic artist I once knew told me of a person who called in and said his house had burned overnight. He was caught in the lie when word got out because co-workers took up a collection and the guy had to come clean when they gave it to him. He said it’s just so much easier to say you’ve got diarrhea. They can’t argue with that.
  • Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

Breaking a date

  • This is how to break a date: (if you live with your parents) when the other person calls you, and asks you what they want to do, say “Just a second, let me ask my mom” then you go to your mom and scream “MOM! F— YOU!!” almost any mother would then ground you….Case solved, instead of being with the loser….quality time with yourself.”

You can find these excuses, and more, at

The Cool Hunter
This mainly pictorial site is an eye opener. If you want to see “cool”, amazing, and sometimes awful and eccentric architecture, this site needs to be in your bookmarks.

Of particular note, is the feature on the private, seaside estate being created in Abu Dhabi, in the United Arab Emirates. Apartments will sell for about 40 million dollars each – so oil sheiks will be needing to keep the price of oil high to pay for them. I think you need to see these sleek buildings which sit on stilts in the sea. Staggering. My link takes you to this pictorial, to continue looking at the site, just click on the menu item, Architecture, towards the top of the page. See the site at

Then, if you want to see some amazing bars and clubs, click on the bars/clubs menu item and make sure you see the weird, jetsons-like setting of the Blue Frog Lounge in Mumbai.