There were a number of posts about the hidden cost to society of parents who have lost children, especially through stillbirth, keeping quiet about it.
The concept is that when traumatic events are kept held down beneath the surface, there is ongoing unease and stress and it will manifest itself in various ways (and few of them healthy). Furthermore, it leads to isolation among such parents when the sharing of their stories could bring some comfort and solace.
In Mark Wolynn’s book, It Didn’t Start With You, I learned how science is now telling us that traumatic events get passed on through our genes (epigenetics), to three or four generations and, as such, if we try not to mention the trauma of losing a child, we cannot fool the genetic thread; our children will carry that load.
In particular, Mark says we should name the people who are at the centre of traumatic events for us, from lost children to scoundrels who rip us off. We need to note them as part of our story. Only through that, can we come to terms with the trauma and have a decent chance at moving forward.
Thus, this song was born, so to speak. In it, I write to our lost son, Christopher (named after Christopher Robin, the little boy who never grows old) and I attone, publicly, for handling his death so badly. In panic, I though burying him away would be kinder to my wife, who had the added burden of needing to give birth to him after his death. However, in the fullness of time, I now see how stupid and impoverished my thinking was.
I am sorry mate. And you ARE part of our family.
Lyrics For In Which Christopher Is Remembered
[Verse 1]
You never knew your sisters
And they still don’t know you
Should have been their little champion
Playing games that children do
But in your Hundred Acre Wood
Where brave means being good
I turned my back on courage
When I should have understood
[Chorus]
You’re part of our family, mate
Although you never caught a break
I buried you away
In my loss and disarray
Hid the grief that you were owed
Couldn’t stop the tears that flowed
Deserved much better from your dad
Than being called, the son he never had
[Verse 2]
Sometimes the smallest things
Take up the most room in your heart
Your memory’s deep inside me
And it’s tearing me apart
I need to tell your story
In which you have your day
So your eternal childhood
Can add colour to our grey
[Chorus]
You’re part of our family, mate
Although you never caught a break
I buried you away
In my loss and disarray
Hid the grief that you were owed
Couldn’t stop the tears that flowed
Deserved much better from your dad
Than being called, the son he never had
[Bridge]
Every story has an ending
But ours never got to start
While others had adventures
Our story broke my heart
Should have held you like the treasure
That you were and always are
Now I’m calling through the distance
Little boy beneath the star
[Verse 3]
Lucky to have had someone
Who made saying goodbye hard
‘Though I never said hello
Never held you in my arms
Now you’re in my heart forever
And this song is just for you
You’re more than just a memory
More than just, that cold code blue
[Alternative Chorus]
You’re part of our family, mate
You never got your proper break
I should have held you tight
On that sacred, awful night
You deserved the love we owed
All the tears that had to flow
You’re forever still my son
The little boy who’s never done
[Chorus]
You’re part of our family, mate
Although you never caught a break
I buried you away
In my loss and disarray
Hid the grief that you were owed
Couldn’t stop the tears that flowed
Deserved much better from your dad
Than being called, the son he never had